So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
