nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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