we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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