Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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