Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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