all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
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