The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
