think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
