Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
