It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
