Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
