According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
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