I'm lost and stupid without you.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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