the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
