If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I faked an abortion last night.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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