he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Randomize
