Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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