sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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