i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
