if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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