woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just gift wrapped bread.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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