Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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