I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
