??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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