I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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