I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
