No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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