Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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