fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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