she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
