I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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