sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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