It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
