just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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