you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
