dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
