I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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