i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
