u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
