I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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