I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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