You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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