everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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