operation harelip BJ is a go
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
