She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
