Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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