I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
