Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
