You smell like a Billy Joel song
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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