Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
