next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
