Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
