he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
