I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
